Just before the 2024 presidential election, we learned of another dire threat to the American way of life that our proud founding fathers never foresaw.
Yes, they raid flocks of wild turkeys.
I know what you’re thinking: Fake news! And I don't blame you. I admit that I sometimes use hyperbole in my columns. No, I always do, and that's not exaggerating the fact. But this time, we can provide supporting evidence in the form of an article that aired on WPXI-TV last week. Here is the opening line of the article on the WPXI website: “People who live near Pittsburgh called Channel 11 for help saying wild turkeys are running wild and causing great concern.”
“Are they running wild?” Those words bring to mind the images of thousands of turkeys at the U.S. Capitol on Jan. 6, 2021, wearing handkerchiefs over their faces, climbing walls, and barricaded by overwhelmed police. They seemed to be acting like a crowd of tourists, including pushing people in. Doorbell camera footage provided to WPXI shows only three turkeys chasing a resident of Pittsburgh's Brighton Heights neighborhood as he climbs the steps to his front porch.
The man (whom I won't name in case a turkey is reading this) escaped unharmed, but sought help from his elderly wife and the police, but received no help from police or the state of Pennsylvania. I called WPXI in fear because I couldn't get it. Game Committee.
“They are [the turkeys] There's like a gang coming out around the car and there's three or four of them and I don't know what to think and I don't want to harm them but I don't want to be harmed. '' the man told WPXI.
I am often told that I am elderly, so I guess I have to empathize with this elderly couple. But I can't do that. I've encountered large flocks of wild turkeys while walking along country bike paths, but I've never felt like I was in any danger. Admittedly, I stopped to let them cross the path, but that was because they looked more like they were out for a fun family walk than about to start rumbling. And I didn't want to take the chance that the turkeys might call the local TV station and report that some idiot on a recumbent tricycle was running wild in the neighborhood.
Perhaps I was just lucky. I have never been chased by an animal, wild or domestic. Indeed, I called animal control officers after I spotted a raccoon peeking out of my neighbor's living room window. But even in that case, it was to protect the raccoon from the neighbors.
While researching this story, I learned that this is not the first time wild turkeys have made TV news. In 2022, wild turkeys are said to be “terrorizing” neighborhoods outside Boston. In 2023, KDKA TV aired an article titled “Turkey Flock Terrorizes Northside Neighborhood.” “It's like the Northside gang, the Northside turkey gang,” the resident told reporters.
I don't mean to be disrespectful, but I can't imagine conflicting with poultry. It seems to me that even a large flock of excited turkeys might be easily dispersed if confronted in a threatening manner. In fact, game commission representatives were told to either spray turkeys with water with a hose, run toward them with an open umbrella in front of them, or say, “Whoever makes fun of turkeys gets off my lawn.'' He suggests that you can scare a turkey by simply running towards it while shouting something like “Get out!” ! ” I think this is accurate advice.
But if these methods fail, it is better to threaten with a jar of gravy.
