First of all, I would like to introduce myself. I'm a mom to her two kids, her 13 year old and her 11 year old, as well as a dog and a cat. I'm also a pediatrician, eldest daughter of child of seattle Founder and Publisher Ann Bergman.
Now, let me start with some bad news (for you and me). Just because you're a pediatrician doesn't mean you have instant access to answers to endless parenting questions.
So, in this column, I will be writing to you often. I You need to listen. It also means that while I look forward to sharing my reflections on the turmoil of life as a parent-child physician, I sincerely hope you will share your insights as well.
Here is a snapshot of my parenting life.
I was so happy to finally have the moment to start writing this article from the car at my daughter's Ultimate Frisbee tournament. We were interrupted by a request to come get lunch immediately. As we dutifully drove to buy food (we admittedly weren't a “proactive family”), a mother duck escorted her four baby ducklings down a six-lane highway. I found it. I stopped the car, gestured to the other driver to yell out the window, and held her breath as I watched her march away. I recognized that mom's indomitable spirit, and when we safely crossed the highway, I shed a few exhausted tears of relief and friendship.
We are duck moms trying our best to guide our families safely. The challenges vary depending on your age and life milestone, but the desire and determination to get to the other side is always present. Of course, that doesn't mean it's easy or doesn't require a lot of effort. When I reflected on how tired I had been that week to my husband, a middle school teacher, he responded, “I was tired that week. We are just like spawning salmon trying to take our young upstream. ”
It's a depressing, if not apt metaphor, considering that, thanks to Google, less than 5% of local salmon migrate and survive each year.
So how can you hold your head high like that mother duck? How can you get through the parenting journey unscathed and perhaps a little higher hurdle than simply surviving?
I think a good start would be to accept that we are pioneers on this parenting front, where the pace and amount of things that are thrown at us in daily life objectively exceeds the capabilities of the human nervous system. . Understanding that, we ask our children, while meeting our every need, to always bring us back to the present moment, the moment in front of us, savoring milestones and firsts, and creating a bittersweet flow. I allow my heart to pound and ache. About raising children.
As mothers, we often deprive ourselves of the full emotion of those precious moments by comparing and assuaging joy or heart-wrenching nostalgia. “How can I feel this joy when my children are living in a war zone?” Or, conversely, “When so many families think, “It's so hard.'' Why do I find this difficult?”
Behind this inner dialogue are questions that can shatter your confidence. “What's wrong with me?” Why can't my family do this better?
As a pediatrician, I have the advantage of being able to treat many families. Through these honest and often vulnerable interactions, I have learned to trust myself more as a mother. In other words, it's about understanding that “that's not me.” Just like it's not you.
Listen here again. None of us are perfect. No one does this parenting job better. As author Anne Lamott says, we, like children, are constantly comparing our inner self to the outer appearance of others. The key is to stay in our lane and give ourselves more grace.
My true beacon of parenting wisdom is my own mother. She is a woman who gave birth to her five children, raised seven children, and mentored countless others. I often pass on the advice of her mother, Nana, who encourages me to return to the important things on a daily basis and to earn credits when they are due. “Today I cooked a delicious meal for my family and we all sat together. Let's have enough for today,” she would say to me.
My Nana, who has raised four children in times with their own benefits and challenges, reminds me of the importance of “having a life outside of your children.” One of the ways my Nana created this space was by regularly swimming alone in Puget Sound. I think it was during this period of swimming between her buoys that she was able to regain her perspective, which allowed her to parent more patiently with herself and her children on land.
Parenting for all of us would certainly be better if our society was structured to support families, but most parents have no direct control over that. But we have at least some control over our inner voice, and with training it can become less critical and more encouraging.
On this occasion of Mother's Day, I would like to share with you the whispers of my inner voice that I am trying so hard to listen to.
Can I accept it? Know that time is not magic or elastic, and what we did today was enough.
Can I give it to you? We owe everything we have to ourselves.
Can I aim for it? lower.
may we be seen Know that all these emotions can coexist in our efforts, ambiguity, exhaustion, and joy.
Maybe you don't have to decide What's for dinner again?
Let's respect our bodies for everything they do.
I hope we can be like that too. What we needed as children.
May you ask for help and receive it. Not only for our children, but also for ourselves.
Let's be patient With our own evolution, just like our children, we are always a work in progress.
Can you accept that things will get easier?— and then it gets harder, and then it gets easier again.
May you strive to find ways to soothe yourself and feel Our feelings of not being able to reach our mobile phones.
Can you accept that we are doing our best? (And so are our children).
Can we stay in our lane? And know that our experience is valid.
May I understand? That we are in good company even when we feel alone.
I hope you can find your way home Come to our center and play whack-a-mole in the middle of parenting all over again (and again and again).
Let's remember it's not us. This feels difficult because it is difficult.
May we be given fortitude The majesty of the salmon and the bravery of the mother duck.
May you be comforted It's the fact that mothers all over the world, generation after generation, are doing the same difficult and sacred work.
Congratulations Mother's Day.
Read more from Dr. Sarah Bergman Lewis:
Uncovering Anxiety: Resources for Families
Caring for a Sick Child: Free Online Expert Q&A
