Swimming season is finally here, which means it's time to lounge poolside with a book in one hand and a cold drink in the other. Oh, and do you have kids?
You have to slather your wriggling body in pale kid's sunscreen, adjust your goggle straps with prune-like fingers, yell “Don't run!” every three minutes, and then deal with the fact that once you're in the pool, you're basically soaking in kid's pee.
Sound fun? We'll ask the parents of X (formerly Twitter) comedians to summarise the experience in 280 characters or less.
Me: I'm such a fun mom!
Me too. If you splash me with water again, I'll drain the pool of water until the last drop.
— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) June 10, 2023
If you get in the pool with your kids and tell them you don't want to get your hair wet, they'll take it as a challenge.
— Spaced Mom (@copymama) August 3, 2022
To the public pool with the kids. We were there for 17 minutes and yelled “Mom, look!” 247 times.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 8, 2018
If I had to adjust another kid's goggles today, I would drown in this kiddie pool.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) June 22, 2020
Summer is fast approaching and I can't wait for family swim time where my kids try to drown me while my wife lounges poolside.
— Dad (@thedad) May 20, 2019
“Mommy! Look at this! Mommy! Mommy!!! Look! Mommy! Are you watching? Mommy, look!” – My child's summer pool song
— Marissa💚💛 (@michimama75) June 22, 2020
My oldest son has improved so much since his first swimming lesson over two years ago and recently progressed to the next level.
This was all after I told him about the “swimming pool sharks” that prey on kids who don't make an effort.
I am very proud.
— Dad News Bearer (@HomeWithPeanut) January 26, 2019
Taking the kids to the community pool. This goes one of two ways: 1) They want to be back within 15 minutes or 2) We live there.
— Dudebro Dad (@thedadvocate01) August 21, 2022
My 5-year-old daughter and I were having fun playing in the hotel pool when all of a sudden she hugged me tight and said in a not-so-quiet voice, “I'm not going to tell anyone that I peed in the pool!”
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) August 19, 2021
We were sitting in the hotel pool when my 6-year-old son kept saying, “No sex in the pool,” so I stared at him in shock, until I realized he was pointing at my socks.
— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) July 22, 2021
Today, as soon as we got in the hotel pool, my little daughter yelled out “I pooped!” Turns out she didn't poop, but by the time we realized it, everyone else had already left and the pool was all ours. Honestly, it was a great decision.
— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) July 21, 2021
My kids had been begging to go to the pool all summer so we decided to go to the public pool, which actually wasn't bad, I just wish we'd taken the kids.
— My Life as a Father (@milifeasdad) September 5, 2023
6 year old: *Swim in the pool for 8 hours*
Me: It's time to go.
6: But we've only just got here.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 1, 2018
Swimming in a chlorine pool is a substitute for a bath, right? Because my 2 1/2 year old has been in it since Friday.
— Incompetent Ruler (@MumOfTw0) August 1, 2023
I got out of the pool a little too quickly and my shorts fell down a little.
Age 8: Daddy, I see your bristly hair. I know where your fur is, I know that you're welcome to the jungle, I know your wolf pack, I know your…
Me: Okay, thank you.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) June 28, 2023
Even though I thought I was prepared for every possibility, I ended up wearing a swimsuit that leads to the pool with my child.
— AsKateWouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) June 30, 2018
Not only should you teach your kids not to pee in the pool, but you should also teach them not to say anything if they do accidentally pee in the pool.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 27, 2019
I'm sorry I missed out on your childhood, son, but I finally got to inflate that pool inner tube you wanted.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 15, 2021
My summer plans include rating 17 million pool handstands “on a scale of 1 to 10,” with almost all of them being 4s.
— 21st Century Housewife (@21stcenturysahm) June 6, 2022
When my 7-year-old son was standing in front of the whirlpool jets at the hotel pool and water got into his swim trunks, I asked him, “What's in your trunks?” He got out of the water and showed the whole pool what was in them. Looks like I need to find a new hotel.
— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) February 23, 2024
You have kids, so you rush to buy, install, and maintain a backyard pool, only to find that your kids only jump in for two seconds and then spend the rest of the day crying about how it's too cold and that it's all your fault.
— Mom Transparent (@momtransparent1) July 12, 2020
After the girls have had a blast splashing around in the pool, I tell them it's time to swim in style. That means no more splashing or jumping on me. It's time to relax and swim like a stylish lady. LOL.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) May 27, 2024
Age 5: I'm not going back in the pool.
Hub: Why?
5 year old: It's wet.
H: The water is wet…
Age 5: *annoyed* Yeah, but I don't want that to happen.
— 3 Wild Rainbow (@wildrainbow2) July 17, 2021
Summer is here and the kids at your local pool are begging you to “check it out.”
— Nicholas G (@Dad_At_Law) June 16, 2021
Swimming Pool: Who should be hired to save the lives of children in the pool? What about other older children?
All: Yes, it's fine.
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) June 25, 2019
5-year-old: “Why is the kiddy pool always warmer than the bigger pool?”
Me: “The sun is small…”
9: “It warms the pee inside faster.”
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) July 11, 2018
The girls were invited to a swim party and the mom asked the kids to put on some coral-safe lotion so I threw a bunch of goldfish in the pool and I guess what she said made sense.
— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) July 25, 2023
Every family has that one kid who loves playing at the bottom of the pool and giving his mom a heart attack. pic.twitter.com/rwdkGeaB5l
— Courtney Ellis 🎈 (@courtneyellis) April 4, 2024
A lifeguard tells everyone to get out of the kiddie pool because a live frog was jumping in. I guess frogs are the least annoying creature to jump into a kiddie pool.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) June 29, 2018
I mistook my wife's pads for swim diapers and now my toddler is the laughing stock of this pool.
— Dudebro Dad (@thedadvocate01) August 5, 2019
The time is fast approaching when I will lose countless hours of my life by washing pool towels over and over again every day until I die, adding more laundry to my already endless piles of laundry.
Summer is almost here.
— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) May 28, 2021
Me: Don't drink that dirty pool water.
Me too: I don't need a bath, I just had a swim
— Mommy Mommy Mommy (@notmythirdrodeo) August 25, 2021
At the pool, I adjusted the goggles of a rival dad's kid and finally got them to fit perfectly.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 1, 2022
Five-year-old: Are there sharks in the pool?
Me: No, absolutely not.
5: Why not?
Me: The chlorine will kill them.
That's dad science.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 10, 2019
Should I be worried about my 6-year-old daughter throwing her diving toy into the pool and screaming, “Drown! Drown! Drown!”
— Marissa💚💛 (@michimama75) August 11, 2022
Toddlers. Because someone has to drink chlorinated pool water.
— Dad News Bearer (@HomeWithPeanut) February 12, 2018
Find someone more helpless than a parent with a child who won't get out of the pool, fully clothed
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) August 5, 2022
