This is the time in the football calendar when the really big news is revealed. like …
Former Texas Tech defensive back Tyler Owens told reporters at the NFL Scouting Combine that he doesn't believe in outer space and that the idea of a flat Earth has value. If you're interested, Owens earned a degree from the university. I'm not sure what that degree means, but I suspect it's different from a degree in space studies or astronomy.
In other “news”… Alabama coach Karen DeBoer explained in an interview with The First Round on Wednesday why she embraces positive reinforcements rather than name-calling.
That sounds like praise, but wait a minute…an SEC football coach who doesn't swear? Jeepers! That's something you don't usually encounter.
Some may find Mr. DeBoer's aversion to name-calling refreshing. Perhaps others will find it strange. I call this an opportunity for linguistic creativity.
He uses the same epithets that Nick, Kirby, and Brian use. In a more sophisticated way of expression.
When Mr. DeBoer is having trouble expressing himself, he recommends these exclamations instead of four-letter words:
Poop pants! – This can be used to express disgust or displeasure. For example, Hugh Freeze might have exclaimed after finishing 4th and 31st in the Iron Bowl.
Tide pooi! – Here is something that conveys disappointment. Let's say a 5-star recruit changes his pledge from Alabama to Auburn…Tide Pooh!
Oh, my star! – This is a personal favorite, an exclamation borrowed from my uncle Eric. This line is perfect for moments of shock or frustration. For example, after Kick Six.
Bollocks! – Some Brits may think this is a swear word, but here in America it's a much more sophisticated term than a four-letter word. Use this exclamation point to express that what you just heard is nonsense. Is Auburn a sleeper team in the College Football Playoff? Bollocks!
Yay! – Name-calling is used for purposes other than irritation or surprise. When you want to express joy, try this sanitized exclamation mark. Jalen Milroe capitalizes on the play and flicks a touchdown pass against Georgia…hooray!
What a fullback?! – One morning, you wake up to find that your planet's safety has been relocated. You may feel like cursing, but don't do that. It’s a popular acronym, but what is it with a football twist: fullback?!
Taras wallop! – Again the British worked hard for us. That's another option for conveying disbelief or derision, like after the Neyland Stadium referee threw a pass interference flag to nullify what would have been a game-clinching interception.
of Justice! – God-fearing men are as perfect for the South as grits, moonshine, and country music. These are the words to express your joy when you get a call from your agent telling you you've been offered a job in Alabama.
It's a dirty bird! – I owe it to my grandfather to teach me this phrase, which is used to express annoyance or disgust. Let's say a linebacker takes a cheap shot at your slot receiver after an incomplete pass over the middle. That dirty bird!
Auburn rot! – There will be no dogs at the Iron Bowl game. Auburn seems appealing enough to me. But Alabama's coach can't be allowed to think that way. So when DeBoer gets really frustrated, he can tell flag-happy referees to rot at Auburn.
Blake Topmeyer is the SEC columnist for the USA TODAY Network. Email BToppmeyer@gannett.com and follow us on Twitter @btoppmeyer.
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